I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
