All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Randomize
