I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
