Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
