I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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