That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Randomize
