You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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