just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize