I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize