I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
