Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Randomize
