What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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