a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize