I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Randomize
