you would pick up someone in the library
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Bring me that man meat
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
