Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
