my sisters under your porch take her home
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
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