Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
How much of a thot would I be if I put this pic up? On a scale of thot-ish to Queen of Thotlandia
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
