did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
