We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
