Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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