Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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