You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Jerry, you need to find god
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
