I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize