I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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