her vagine was all disorganized.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
When are your genitals available?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
