if you like me you must not know who I am
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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