I haven't been this sober since birth.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
