Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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