Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
