I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
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