I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Randomize
