I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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