i already hear my dad disowning me
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Randomize
