Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
