I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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