Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
