Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
