Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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