I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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