Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
