My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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