do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
