apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
