Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
Well whatever you do have, it sure worked on me.
A Penis?
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
