You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
