I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
