Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
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