you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It's not a walk of shame if you run
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
