worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
This is my life. Enjoy the view
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
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