No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
