The maid of honor just puked.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
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