guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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