Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
