i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
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