So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
