just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
