Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
being pregnant is like rehab
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Randomize
