Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
