Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
