I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Randomize
