I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I've come to the conclusion, I should prob have at least 20 hr supervision. I would say 24, but I'm guaranteed to pass out for at least 4 hrs a day
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
